


fading

by dieofthatroar



Series: stuck inside, here's a ficlet [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, spoilers for inside out i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23173936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dieofthatroar/pseuds/dieofthatroar
Summary: “Inside Out… I found that a bit too sad. It was like, we’re really going to grab your emotions, guys. I found it stressful when they said, all of the emotions are fading, we can’t escape. It was maybe too sad for me.” – Phil’s liveshow 3/16/20Why, exactly, Phil finds Inside Out so sad.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: stuck inside, here's a ficlet [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1665151
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	fading

Phil won the right to choose their movie snacks through a game of rock, paper, scissors. Dan may have been craving the bag of Doritos he picked up at Tescos the last time he was out, but microwave popcorn and Haribo was a decent runner up. It was an easy concession to make. All he really needed was something salty to chew on, a long enough blanket to cover his toes if he stretched out on the couch, and Phil’s shoulder to lean on. He got to pick the movie this time anyway.

“Pixar?” Phil said as he carried the snacks into the living room. “I thought we talked about that new horror movie—”

“And _I_ thought we decided on whose choice it was,” Dan said.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad choice,” Phil said. His free hand flicked around his head, a distracted gesture that Dan couldn’t quite interpret. “But I was just getting into the horror mindset. I had… thoughts about what kind of thoughts I’d have. I planned to have the thoughts and be scared about turning off the lights.”

“You had… thoughts about thoughts,” Dan said, grabbing the remote and settling onto the couch.

Phil followed and pointed at his toes. “I put on scary socks.”

“And I appreciate the effort,” Dan said. “But we’re watching some Pixar and cuddling.”

“We can cuddle if it’s scary too,” Phil said.

“Every time we cuddle during a scary movie you end up kicking me,” Dan said. “And spilling a drink over yourself. I’ll take this.”

“Fine,” Phil said, settling in and tugging the blanket over to his side. Dan rolled his eyes. Phil ignored him, stuffing popcorn into his mouth.

“Leave some for me,” Dan said, reaching around to grab a handful for himself. Phil moved the bowl away.

“Your movie, my snacks,” he said, mouth still half-full.

Dan shoved him, Phil spilled popcorn over themselves, and Dan popped a few in his mouth. “I win,” he said, turning the TV on.

“You cheat.”

He laughed as the movie started.

Dan found he liked _Inside Out_ quite a lot. It was an interesting concept, personifying things that he often found hard to explain. It was cute. Funny. Relatable. Joy was a bit of an annoying do-gooder, but he appreciated the message. When the popcorn ran out, Dan snuggled closer into Phil’s side, twisting his buttery fingers into his, enjoying the feeling of Phil’s soft laugh against his ear.

The laughs stopped coming halfway through. When the core memories were lost and the islands started to crumble. Phil’s hand squeezed Dan’s before he pulled away. Dan stole a look during one of Anger’s quips and found Phil wasn’t smiling.

“You okay?” Dan said.

Phil’s lips quirked up a half-second too late and he put a finger to his lips. “Shh,” he said. Phil’s hand found Dan’s once again.

The movie went on and Phil stayed silent. Restless. He hid his tics by playing with the Haribo bag, rustling for another gummy and holding it between his teeth. Dan let him. Maybe it was just his horror-movie mindset because this wasn’t exactly that. He was thinking different thoughts.

Dan was on the edge of his seat as Joy escaped the Memory Dump made her way back to headquarters with Sadness. As the controls darkened and Riley got on that bus, Dan held his breath. She was alone but she didn't feel scared, so Dan had to feel scared for her. 

And Phil got up, pushing the blankets to the side and carrying the empty bowl away.

“If you had to use the loo, let me know,” Dan called after him, pausing the movie. He heard a grunt in return. “What?”

“Don’t worry, keep watching,” Phil said, louder.

“What, no, I’ll wait,” Dan said, picking up his phone and scrolling through twitter. A few minutes passed without Dan noticing, then a few more.

_how long that shit going to take?_ he texted Phil. No response. Dan frowned and sent another emoji before untangling his legs from the blankets and padding into the hallway. The bathroom door was open, the lights off. He continued into their bedroom, where he found Phil sitting on the bed, facing away. Dan’s stomach turned over. Why was he hiding? Why hadn’t he told Dan where he was going?

“Forgot what we were doing?” Dan said. Phil started at the sound and shook his head. He didn’t turn around. “Phil?”

Dan crawled over the bed to get to his side. Phil wiped his eyes, forcing a smile as Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s back. That made him feel worse. What had he missed?

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked.

“It’s stupid,” Phil said. His eyes were shiny, just the beginning of redness visible under his glasses. “Just a stupid movie, it’s nothing.”

“We cry at movies all the time,” Dan said. “This isn’t that.”

“It’s Pixar! They take your heart and—” Phil mimicked a grabbing motion, then dropped his hands. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure you will be,” Dan said. Phil was usually open with his emotions, to Dan at the very least. They'd moved beyond the early masks years ago and decided that they liked sharing hard feelings more than secreting them away. It scared him when they ended up like this. In the same room, talking about the same thing, but somehow not aligning. Not finding each other. 

“It doesn’t—I’m not—” Phil said. He sighed. “It was just so sad? Riley was running away and her parents didn’t know where she was and she just… didn’t care.” Phil’s fingers flexed and relaxed like they did when his anxiety got the better of him. Dan held him tighter. “She was just… empty.”

Oh.

Dan remembered leaving his phone behind when all he could do was gather the energy to make his body walk away. That he’d come back to many messages and missed calls and feel, somewhere just beyond where he could reach, that he should feel bad for it. He couldn’t, though. This broken mind wouldn’t let him. In those moments, he was incapable of thinking about how his actions hurt those around him. He’d just shoulder past a worried Phil to lie in bed, waiting for the prick of feeling to come back to his eyes. Because that was what would always come first—the tears. The tears were a relief because of that, and Dan could never feel bad for crying.

He could, though, wallow in the guilt for pushing everyone away. 

What Riley was going through in that movie? It just made sense to him. Another depiction of sadness that was partly cathartic and partly just so familiar. Detachment. He didn’t think about how it would feel to watch it, not as someone who has gone through something similar, but as someone who had seen it happen, time and time again to someone he loved.

The guilt came rushing back.

“It’s me, isn’t it?” Dan said, burying his head in the back of Phil’s neck. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think—”

Phil leaned back into him. “I just wasn’t prepared for it,” he said. “The thought-thoughts.”

“Thought-thoughts,” Dan said. He tried to put more softness than humor in his voice. “It’s my fault.”

“I said you could choose—”

“That’s not what I mean.”

Phil was quiet. From where Dan had his head, he couldn’t see what his expression was. He couldn’t know what Phil was thinking. Finally, Phil said, “you’re getting better.”

“I never mean to make you scared—you know that, right?” Dan murmured into Phil’s skin.

“I know.”

“You have to tell me when you are,” Dan said. “Even if I don’t want to hear it.”

Phil leaned forward, gently lifting Dan’s head before turning around. Now that he could see them again, Phil’s eyes looked clearer. Sharper. “Not if it isn’t good for you to hear,” Phil said.

“Please,” Dan said, not knowing how to explain the guilt. The shame that grew in his chest each time he came back to himself, fully. “For me?”

Phil blinked, then nodded, still looking unsure. Dan felt the ground beneath them steady, the two of them settling in line again. Reaching for understanding in the dark. 

“Do you want to keep watching?” Dan said. “We don’t have to—not if you just, want to stay here and talk. But—there’s a happy ending, right? Must be. If you don’t want to leave the story like that.”

Phil’s face was soft as he decided, his hands moving over Dan’s thigh in a strange, ever-changing pattern. Dan felt his heart grow with fondness for this man—for how much he cared about each and every way he moved inside the world and how he touched others. Dan could be selfish—so, so selfish—but here Phil was, still here. Still supporting him. He tried every day to deserve it.

Phil’s hands paused. “I’d like a happy ending,” he said.

“More popcorn?” Dan said.

“Yes, please,” Phil said and kissed him. Dan smiled into Phil’s lips—they tasted of salt. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dieofthatroar on tumblr! Come say hi or give me another quarantine prompt :)


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